Garbage Sales

I hate garage sales. All you have to add is a "b" and it turns into "garbage sales". That's exactly what they sell there. It's all shit! Unless you are willing to grace the garage-salers with your presence at 7AM on a Saturday morning when there is still some slightly less repulsive shit on the shelves because the hordes of trashy pricks haven't shown up yet to reap the garage of its oh-so-valuable trinkets. An Ab-Lounge with an icecream stain on it and a Mike Tyson's Punchout Nintendo game with a piece of pepperoni stuck to it is hardly appealing to a guy like me. Although everything costs a nickel or less, I have no desire to purchase a used basketball-hoop net from some asshole. I'll just go to Walmart and buy a clean one for 84 cents. I don't have the time on a weekend to be thumbing through thousands of baby outfits and thousands of shitty, old vinyl records from the early 1900's. I gotta fish and get my drink on. And did you ever notice that the garage guy gets mad and gives you a shit-eating grin when you don't buy anything. He's like, "I can't believe that stinky bastard wasn't interested in my Batman slippers. I thought those would be the first to go!" Wow garage-guy, you really suck ass!

Co-Poopers

I just went into the bathroom, following close behind a fellow co-worker. He went into a stall to poo and I took a pee. I wish I hadn't known who was in the stall. There was tons of squeaking and exploding noises, not to mention the foot-stomping and grunting. I thought someone like him would never be capable of producing such foul smells and noises, given his shiny shirt and tie, and sparkling black shoes. Not to mention his towering, executive status in the company. Fellas, I'm guessing this has happened to you before. Ladies, I am sure this probably hasn't happened to you, because I heard a rumor that girls don't poop. Is it true? Maybe you were looking forward to the experience, with your hands clasped in anticipation, thinking, "Oh, boy! I can't wait to hear what kinds of sounds Phil's butt makes!" Or maybe you were really looking forward to an ear-full and all you got was a squeak and a splash. :( Butt, hey. Don't worry! I'm sure one day you'll follow a strapping gent into the bathroom and get a real dazzling display of fecal fun!

Update: this just in..... my friend tells me there are girls out there that shit vigorously! She says she can feel the ground shake from their bassy farts and squirty shits. She says that she hears one lady moaning in pain all the time followed by what sounds like a cornish game hen being dropped into the toilet. Thanks for the update!! Happy pooping!