Wii Love You Long Time

I started drawing things on my Wii Udraw pad. I'm not a very good artist, but I have always been able to think up strange creatures to draw. This is what I have come up with so far:

Bowel Movement Journal

April 1: Today, I shit twice. I shit in the morning, after my banana protein shake. It was a very satisfying girth and length, ranging somewhere between a bratwurst and a Pringles can. I'd have to say it was about a two-pounder. It was also a clean cut. No wiping necessary. I shit another turd of similar size and shape around 6 pm. This one really stretched my asshole out, and was definitely no smaller than a Pringles can (see Facebook for photo). April 2: I had two fairly large turds today. They were tapered and segmented. Not quite as impressive as the pair from yesterday. So, needless to say, the plumber needed not to make a visit to the old homestead. Although the length and girth were not as impressive, the turds definitely stunk more, and required at least two wads of toilet paper to clean up the butthole. April 3: The turds today are about 20% stinkier and are super tar-like, requiring massive amounts of shit-tickets to clean up the crime scene. After my chili cheese burrito with hot sauce, I had a dump that was at least a 7-wiper. Not good! April 4: Not feeling well today. My shits are super small and skinny, and are followed by a large spray of very nauseating diarreah. Not a stitch of white is to be seen on the toilet. I puked once after I gazed into the toilet and took a whiff. April 5: The shitting and puking is getting out of hand. Everything has turned to diarreah. There is a whirlwind of green shit reigning down from my innards! Things are going through me so fast! I actually shit out a whole red pepper 4 minutes after I ate it. April 6: Today, I was at Office Depot and shit my pants in the recorable CD aisle.

Control. Adulterate. Delete.

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Showing Off the Wrist-Rubber

Those rubber wrist bands that people wear really suck. I think giving money to charity is a fine thing. But, if you wear the wrist band just so people think you're a good person, then you are a self-important pudd, and I wish you would go fuck yourself with a rusty spoon. The Lance Armstrong bracelet is annoying. I don't think people would have made such a big deal out of the Lance Armstrong thing if his name didn't sound so powerful. I mean, no one wants to buy a Kyle Johnson bracelet. They want something that's gonna make their arm strong, while at the same time tell people, "Hey, I'm a good person. I wear the bracelet! There's no way I could watch porn, drink my face off, and beat my kids! No way never!" Even a convicted sex offender could be wearing a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and some church-going soccer-mom would be like, "What a nice man! I bet he cleaned up his act. I think I might ask him to babysit my children tonight." Beware of those fuckers with the colored rubber-band around their wrists, especially the fuckers with the pink breast cancer ones. They always seem to be up to something...

Diagrams

I think diagrams should be used more often. They should especially be used in situations where things have to be written in 4 other languages. For example, on the back of a bottle of whiskey, they should have a sketch of a pregnant woman slamming a bottle of hooch with a red line through it. Then, they wouldn't have to write the whole surgeon general warning bullshit in 4 different languages. And I'm sure there are people who can't speak English, French, Spanish, nor Italian. Poor fuckers can't even be warned not to drink when they're bakin' a bastard! I think diagrams should be used all over the place. I think they should put a big cock and balls with a red line through it as a symbol for the women's bathroom, and a big phat pair of sweaty college jugs with a line through it for the men's bathroom. Yeah, that's what they should do. If I controlled this shit-hole, that's what I would do.

Crotch Cricket Control

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Welcome to the Shit-Show!

Come on down to the Shit-Show! We've got all sorts of awesome fecal matter! Get a lovely golden camel turd for the low low price of two gallons of horse piss! We got screamin' deals on all of our specialty gourmet armadillo turd bars. Don't even think about leaving the shit-show without sampling our Feline Fudgy Cake! Mmmmm, I can already taste the cat shit! Tuesday is Dump-4-a-Dollar Day! Enjoy high-protein llama logs, for just a buck! And no grandmother's birthday is complete without a petrified squirrel shit necklace and matching rat turd bracelet, so come and pick one up! Just wash your hands when you're done. Everything must go, so grab a clothes pin and get your ass down to the Shit-Show!