Trendy Urns

Don't pour your grandpa's ashes in some river or lake. Don't flail grandma's ashes into the air from atop Mount Everest. And for God's sake, don't shove your loved one in a tacky eighteen century vase! Bottle up your loved ones in style with "Trendy Urns". We'll make those ashes come alive with vibrant colored, hip, new-age containers!

I thought I had a really good idea for a business while I was walking through the Mega-Mall. I guess I was beat to the punch, though. I typed in "trendy urns" on google and found sites that make urns that are even trendier than I had in mind, which is pretty fuckin' trendy! They have jewelry for sale in which to store your loved one's remains. They even make diamonds out of your loved one's ashes! I can just imagine the fun conversations that take place:

-"Hey Cindy, those are some bomb-ass earrings! Where did you get them!?"
-"Well, actually, this earring in my left ear is made out of Grandpa Jim, and this locket contains the remains of Grandma Beatrice, and my shoes are actually made out of my cat Snickers."
-"Holy Shit! You're trendy!"


"Urn jewelry comes in many styles sure to display your dear ones in a trendy, tasteful way."
-An actual excerpt from a website I found

Celery Spoon

The only reason I eat celery is because it's a great tool for getting peanut butter into my mouth. Some jack-offs are thinking, "Why not use a spoon, Cody?" I would answer such a question by saying, "I don't wanna look like a pig, ass-munch." Yes, it is true that I could use a spoon. But, while I'm amidst coworkers and/or passing judgers, eating the peanut butter with a piece of celery seems to make me feel like less of a fat fucker. Occasionally, there is the witty gentleman who calls me out, and says, "Hey, you haven't bit off a piece of that celery for like ten minutes." And I say, "Ya got me Dan! I'm using this veggie as a fat-fuck-masking-device! Good observation!" Don't get me wrong....there are plenty of other reasons why I shove this garbage called celery into my mouth. In 1994, I heard that celery contains so few calories, that you burn more calories than you ingest just by chewing the nasty shit! I'm getting bored with this. Maybe I'll start dipping my celery in Hershey's Syrup, or FunDip.

Jager Master

I think I'm a Jager Master in the sense that I understand Jagermeister more than the average Joe. Either that, or I am just the only dumbass that decided to write about it, so that it officializes my deep understanding. Jagermeister is fun AND depressing because a person never just casually drinks a glass of Jagermeister. It's always like, "Let's get completely fucked up and do shit we might regret!" My buddy John and I used to drink a whole bottle of Jag between the two of us, and THEN go to the bar. That's like eating an entire pizza, and then saying, "Ullllh, you guys wanna go to Pizza Ranch?" The worst part of this is that it was usually on a Wednesday or something. Advice: just drink the nasty shit. Don't forget the Red Bull, though! What would a black, liquid depressant be without a piss-colored, pseudo-vitamin-infested liquid stimulant!? It's nice to be loaded on Hump Day.