Celery Spoon

The only reason I eat celery is because it's a great tool for getting peanut butter into my mouth. Some jack-offs are thinking, "Why not use a spoon, Cody?" I would answer such a question by saying, "I don't wanna look like a pig, ass-munch." Yes, it is true that I could use a spoon. But, while I'm amidst coworkers and/or passing judgers, eating the peanut butter with a piece of celery seems to make me feel like less of a fat fucker. Occasionally, there is the witty gentleman who calls me out, and says, "Hey, you haven't bit off a piece of that celery for like ten minutes." And I say, "Ya got me Dan! I'm using this veggie as a fat-fuck-masking-device! Good observation!" Don't get me wrong....there are plenty of other reasons why I shove this garbage called celery into my mouth. In 1994, I heard that celery contains so few calories, that you burn more calories than you ingest just by chewing the nasty shit! I'm getting bored with this. Maybe I'll start dipping my celery in Hershey's Syrup, or FunDip.