Befuddled By His Wizardry

Simon could hardly keep his hands out of his pants. The big day was just around the corner. That's right, it was the day before the 1875 Spunk Valley Fishing Contest Extravaganza. Spunk Valley was a small town that nestled in the depths of the Shimmy Mountains. The people who resided here were completely fuckin' nuts. Most of the residents had pet armadillos, pet palatypi, or pet rocks. Simon had a fuckin' shit load of largemouth bass and guppies! He was nuckin futz about fish! He had a certain control over fish that most couldn't understand. He made them do shit that nobody believed. He could make his fish do little back flips and swim in unison like little synchronized swimmers. He was definitely a top-notch fish-tamer. The big day finally came. Simon headed to the river with his dick and fishing rod in hand. All the town's best fisherman registered for the fishing contest. Simon registered quickly and ran to the river for what was surely to be an award-winning performance by the intensely awesome fish-fanatic. With a sinister look on his face, Simon reached in his coat's inner hidden pocket. He pulled out one of his pets, Billy Bass. He whispered something in Billy's ear-hole and tossed him in the water. Simon then casted his neon-yellow plastic worm into the river. Whoa! He got a bite! It was a fuckin' enormous brown trout. He proceeded to slay massive amounts of fish, beyond anyone's belief. The contest was now over, and all the fishermen returned to the weigh-in. Simon won the contest by about 50 kilos. The townsmen were befuddled by his wizardry. That amount of fish had never been caught in one afternoon since the beginning of time. Simon was hoisting the 1st place trophy above his head and yelling and screaming. Just then, Billy Bass flopped out of his pocket and flailed around in front of him like a palsy. "WHAT IS THAT!", exclaimed the townspeople. "Umm, what? Nothing. Nothing at all." One of the townspeople exclaimed, "He's a cheater! A cheater, I tell ya! That looks like a persuasive bass!" Simon exclaimed, "Well, it's not like YOU'VE never used really persuasive bass to do your dirty work for you, is it?" Simon was hung in Townsquare for the use of Persuasive Bass during a fishing contest. This rule was written in the lawbook a century prior to the 1875 Spunk Valley Fishing Contest. Watch your bass. They may even persuade YOU to make bad choices.