Seeing People Outside of Work

Have you ever seen someone outside of work or school? It's weird for sure. It's like, "Why are you here? Are you sure you should be at Walmart? I thought after work, you just disappeared, only to reappear at 7am in the morning. You look like you should be in your little cube, depressed off your ass! And what is that that you are wearing? Is that what you wear on your days off? Holy shit! That's pretty uggo! You look like a dumbass!" I know this is pretty drastic, since you don't think like I do, but since I think the way that I do, just deal with it and put a smile on your face, cuz you're an American and you love this shit! Beeeeotch.

I Really Don't Care

There are plenty of things you can say when you actually mean to say "I will just say something, even though I really don't care", and possibly, "I wasn't even listening dude." Examples of this include the following: "Well, there ya go!", "More power to ya!", or "Tell me somethin' I don't know!". If you hear any of these phrases, be well aware that the listener has no interest in what you have to say, and may despise your very existence. Don't fret, though! This guy may be worth less than a food stamp, and may have sex with animals. Be sure to check if the listener is a respected member of the community. If so, you may want to think twice about speaking in public ever again. I'm sorry, if it's necessary...

Twins With Different Fathers

OK, so, my MSN Messenger news thing popped up, and there was a news story on there with the headline "Mother gives birth to twins with different dads". That means mommy's a hoe fo sho! Apparently she got dirty with two dudes and a swimmer from each dude entered the eggs. Weird. I don't think I'd want that news to be spread all over the internet, but I guess when you're a hoe fo sho, it don't matta, yo. And there is a picture of the "happy" couple on there and they are all full of smiles and shit. I'd be embarrassed! Mommy's a hizzo. Have fun explaining that little story to the kids when they are old enough to understand words. At least they didn't have quintuplets, then mommy would be an Ultra-Super-Mega-Ho-Fo-Sho!

Devices

There are too many devices! I just moved myself from the chair to the couch, and I had to grab all sorts of devices to bring with me. I had the stereo remote, the TV remote, my cell phone, and my camera, in case a sweet looking bird landed outside the window or something. How did we ever survive without cell phones? Seriously. How did we ever meet our friends at the bar? I mean, if you told your friend Jim to meet you at Stinky's Tavern at 8pm and you left, but his plans changed drastically, you're fucked! You'd just have to say to yourself, "Well, I guess I'm not seeing Jim tonight". Nowadays you can be damn sure that even if you don't have a cell phone, there is some stupid prick with one in his pocket within a radius of 20 feet from you. These things we carry around aren't even called cell phones anymore. They're called "Mobile Devices". They are called so because they do fucking everything! They call your neighbor, act as a GPS, act as a flashlight, surf the internet, take pictures, scratch your balls, and now I hear that they will soon shoot a projection onto the wall so you can watch your favorite episode of Mash when you takin' a shit!

The Space Program

It sure pisses me off when our country spends all sorts of money on the Space Program! It is pointless to try to go any farther out into space than we already have gone. There are people in the world whose belly-buttons touch their backbones from being really hungry, and we are just spending billions to send little machines into the sky only to discover that there ain't shit up there but rocks and space dust. Trust me guys, there isn't shit on Mars. I've seen pictures. It's just a bunch of red shit. Who cares about Mars anyway? Did scientists think that our little machines would land on Mars and capture photos of Marvin the Martian's wedding or something? Did they think they were gonna see flowers that shot hot acid at birds, or what?

I guess I will have to admit that I have often wondered if there are places similar to earth far far away, with similar creatures and stuff. I would probably bet that there are other creatures similar to us, except they probably have no assholes and ten penises or eight vaginas or something.

Garbage Sales

I hate garage sales. All you have to add is a "b" and it turns into "garbage sales". That's exactly what they sell there. It's all shit! Unless you are willing to grace the garage-salers with your presence at 7AM on a Saturday morning when there is still some slightly less repulsive shit on the shelves because the hordes of trashy pricks haven't shown up yet to reap the garage of its oh-so-valuable trinkets. An Ab-Lounge with an icecream stain on it and a Mike Tyson's Punchout Nintendo game with a piece of pepperoni stuck to it is hardly appealing to a guy like me. Although everything costs a nickel or less, I have no desire to purchase a used basketball-hoop net from some asshole. I'll just go to Walmart and buy a clean one for 84 cents. I don't have the time on a weekend to be thumbing through thousands of baby outfits and thousands of shitty, old vinyl records from the early 1900's. I gotta fish and get my drink on. And did you ever notice that the garage guy gets mad and gives you a shit-eating grin when you don't buy anything. He's like, "I can't believe that stinky bastard wasn't interested in my Batman slippers. I thought those would be the first to go!" Wow garage-guy, you really suck ass!

Co-Poopers

I just went into the bathroom, following close behind a fellow co-worker. He went into a stall to poo and I took a pee. I wish I hadn't known who was in the stall. There was tons of squeaking and exploding noises, not to mention the foot-stomping and grunting. I thought someone like him would never be capable of producing such foul smells and noises, given his shiny shirt and tie, and sparkling black shoes. Not to mention his towering, executive status in the company. Fellas, I'm guessing this has happened to you before. Ladies, I am sure this probably hasn't happened to you, because I heard a rumor that girls don't poop. Is it true? Maybe you were looking forward to the experience, with your hands clasped in anticipation, thinking, "Oh, boy! I can't wait to hear what kinds of sounds Phil's butt makes!" Or maybe you were really looking forward to an ear-full and all you got was a squeak and a splash. :( Butt, hey. Don't worry! I'm sure one day you'll follow a strapping gent into the bathroom and get a real dazzling display of fecal fun!

Update: this just in..... my friend tells me there are girls out there that shit vigorously! She says she can feel the ground shake from their bassy farts and squirty shits. She says that she hears one lady moaning in pain all the time followed by what sounds like a cornish game hen being dropped into the toilet. Thanks for the update!! Happy pooping!

Timber Lodge

Timber Lodge has to be one of my favorite places to eat. Not just because of the succulent steaks they feature, but because they are extremely clever in their naming of certain dishes. For instance, you can order "Mosquito Bites" and "Timber Creek Fillet Medallions". But, every time I visit their exquisite establishment, I order the "Toomba Woomba Pasta". Not only because it rules and makes my taste buds do fuckin backflips, but because that's an awesome name for a dish. I would be willing to risk my satisfaction for the night by ordering a dish that has an awesome name, even though it may taste like squirrel turds.

Drinking Casually

When I hear someone say, "When I drink, it's usually just casually." I say, "Yeah, me too." I say this because it is true. Most of the time, I drink casually- ya know, while wearing a T-shirt and jeans. It is very unlikely that I will be wearing a suit while getting bombed, unless I am at a wedding or a really high-class party. And for everyone who knows me, I don't usually attend those types of gatherings, given my shabby appearance and low status on the social ladder. What would be the opposite of drinking casually? Drinking formally? Fuck that! I only have like one suit. I'd be overdressed. Wouldn't it be funny though? Every time you see me drinking, I'm in a suit and tie with a Hamm's in my hand.

"The Girls" Suck

I hate when ladies call their boobs "the girls". I've always been a fan of fun-bags and sweater-puppets. Who ever came up with calling them girls? They don't even have personalities. And if they did, the little ones would be shy and wouldn't want to come out very often. The big ones would be very outgoing and love to be noticed and would constantly seek attention and seek to be slapped about the chest, like the whorish bastards they are. So, whip out the chesticles and the ape-hangers, and leave the girls at home!

Black and White

Whenever I see a black and white movie or TV show, it makes me think that everything was colorless back in the day. But, the truth is, there were colorful things everywhere, just like nowadays, apparently. Wouldn't it be weird though, if things weren't in color back in the day? "What color was your house on the farm, step-grampy?" "I don't know, red-headed stepchild. I guess it could have been any color. Colors weren't invented until the late 60s." "Holy shit, step-grampy! I'm so glad my fore-fathers invented orange and blue, and for that matter, beige, whatever the fuck that is." I think its 15 percent red, 30 percent blue, and 55 percent gay.

LOL

I usually see the acronym "LOL", and I think, "Was this person seriously loling at this point in their ramblings? Or are they lying completely? LOL pisses me off! Most of the time, there was no reason they should have been loling to begin with. Or, is it spelled lolling? Fuck! I lol when I see a guy spill acid down his shirt, or when a pack of panting puppies pulls the pants off of a pair of porking piglets. THAT's when real lolling is necessary! Or is it spelled lol-ing? I'm not sure. But the thing to remember is to never write lol unless the thing you just wrote is fuckin' hilarious. LOL. :0)>

Cody's House of Butter

It's Cody's House of Butter! Have all the butter you can handle! Drink it! Rub it on your ass! Inject it straight into your cerebellum! Don't be shy! Come by Cody's House of Butter and get your fill of saturated fun! It's concentrated nuttiness! Throw your hands up bitches!